Marriage Preparation Course Session 5: Shared goals and values

While I spent Christmas and New Year with Oliver in Germany, we took the opportunity to do the fifth and last session in our Marriage Preparation Course Manual on Shared Goals and Values. Contrary to the relationship cliché that opposites attracts, we believe it is vital for two people in a relationship to share values and goals and these could be ranging from mundane matters like who cooks, who throws the rubbish, who organizes the social calendar to who pays the bills, who predominantly decides how money is spent etc. Some matters are quite straight forward like of course I’ll cook or clean, you know domestic stuffs, and Oliver would probably be the Mr. Fix-It, fix the computer, fix the light, fix the pipes etc. but it’s quite a challenge given today’s society because although historically, women were more domestic and thus more stay at home mum, today we see more women joining the work force, contributing double income to the family, sometimes more than the partner, sometimes, the role is 360 degrees in reverse whereby the woman works and the man stays at home and be domestic.

And this evolution does not only shape their new found or rather evolved roles in society, but also their emotional and physical being. With their evolved roles, women felt that it is fair enough to get upset when men do not contribute domestically. And men being men (and in fact, I’m not sure how much they have evolved) well, they will find this outburst unexplainable and unacceptable. So, at the end of the day, unless men and women find a balance or better, share an understanding of their respective goals and values to complement each other the best they could, they will be struggling. So, how do two people share goals and values in pursuit of a good marriage, well, start by going to a Marriage Preparation Course. Like seriously. I doubt Oliver and I, if we have not embarked on this marriage course in the first place, we wouldn’t be sharing our goals and values, properly. I think we would just jump into the marriage wagon and think ‘oh well, we’ll pick up pointers here and there. But I believe, it is always good to have a strong foundation and whatever lessons to learn and relearn would be a bonus.

Some key points to share;

Matching our strides – do you remember learning in science where you put two objects together, one is hotter than the other, and over time, the transmissions between molecules from both objects balances the heat between two objects. Well, I might not get the scientific terms right but apply this theory in a relationship. Two individuals, different characters, in order to co-exist harmoniously, they have to find an equilibrium. It might involve changing our behaviour, letting go of unrealistic expectations and making sacrifices. But the most important thing that comes after that is appreciation. To appreciate each other. For who they are. For the sacrifice they made. For the effort. Someone asked me, is it worth it to sacrifice and let go of something to be with someone. Well, depends on how you look at it. Sacrifice is subjective. If sacrifice is warranted for the desired output, so be it.

Working out our values and creating an equal partnership- coming into this course, I have my own set of values and Oliver has his, but in order to create an equal partnership, a marriage, we have to work out values that we both can incorporate into our future marriage and prioritize it. Values could be spirituality and relationship with God, hospitality, nurturing children etc. We also discussed about our roles and responsibilities as future man and wife. There was an interesting anecdote to describe the role of man and woman. A kid was asking his dad the difference between the role of a mother and a father. The dad said to him ‘Well, your mum is the Minister of Internal Affairs and I am the Minister of External Affairs.’ Point is, discuss and be accountable for the agreed roles and responsibilities.

And of course, above all things, to put God in the center of our lives. When all things fail, pray to God and when all things well, give thanks to God. And for this, we are grateful that Oliver and I had decided to take this Marriage Preparation Course in the first place. Given the circumstances, we didn’t think it was possible, but of course, with God, He made it possible and some of our defining moments were fruits of this course.

So Thank You Lord for Everything – From us.

8 months to go.

Marriage Preparation Course Session 4: Keeping Love Alive

We did the 4th session in the Alpha Marriage Preparation Course manual. Keeping love alive; easy or difficult? In regardless, I believe it takes lots of effort from both side. It takes two to tango, they said.

Recently, Singapore’s former first lady, Lee Kuan Yew’s wife passed away after braving through a series of strokes that left her bed ridden for two years. Families and friends paid their respect and wrote their eulogies. Out of all the eulogies, one that touched the hearts of many was of course, Lee Kuan Yew’s, her husband of 63 years.

In Lee’s eulogy, he wrote this, ‘We knew that we could not stay starry-eyes lovers all our lives; that life was an on-going challenge with new problems to resolve and manage.’

Shortly after Oliver and I got together, he had to leave for Germany. That was 6 years ago. We tried to be positive; to keep in touch as much as we could and that’s pretty much we can do. At some point, we hit a pretty big bump on the road (metaphorically). We got too busy for each other. We got upset with each other quite often and that forced us to take a break. It was indefinite at that time. When Oliver came back in summer 2007, we had to make a decision. We decided to make it work-to keep love alive.

Developing our friendship - I like the fact that Oliver and I started out as friends. Far from being the case of ‘love at first sight’, we got to know each other first as friends before falling in love. But sometimes, we take this for granted. We’re so into the notion of being in a relationship that we forgot all about friendship and it’s important not to lose sight on that. Friends talk, share and laugh about things together. Couples should do the same, if not, at a more intimate level. Sometimes, I’ll be observing other couples in a restaurant and I noticed these; couples who look like they have been together or married for several years but hardly said a word to each other. They just go on ordering their food; wait for their food to arrive and eat in silence. One day, many years down the road, I want to be able to sit with Oliver, enjoying our meals and talking about things, even if I have to listen to Oliver talk about Mathematics or he have to listen to my 1001 lame jokes.

Discovering each other’s need-What is your and your partner’s love language? Is it; action, touch, words, time or presents? I used to get upset because Oliver did not say I love you-s or I miss you-s as often as I like to hear and for awhile I kept this to myself because I didn’t want to be the needy girlfriend. But, what I was denying was my love language. Those words of affirmations are how I know that I am loved. And sans touch due to long distance, I needed it even more. Oliver realized this and now, he says it quite often and I’m happy and he’s happy when I’m happy. Oliver said he knows I loved him when I buy him clothes. Well, Das ist ganz einfach.

Building our sexual relationship- There were times when the topic of sex is viewed as a taboo in the society. But due to the explosion of social media, this topic has been discussed more openly and I think it is okay to discuss about it in a healthy and more positive manner. Having said these, yes, to keep love alive, sex is important. As a Christian, we have been told to save sex for marriage. That sex is God’s gift to married couple and the greatest gift a married couple can give to each other. And to able to use that gift to its fullest, married couple should be honest to each other; with their needs and expectations and with their present or past insecurities. It’s all about communication and trust.

Communication, Commitment, Managing Conflicts and Keeping Love Alive

Four sessions done, one more to go and hopefully, many more years to practice and re-practice it over and over again. It’s going to be a great roller coaster baby, ups and downs, but oh so exciting.

Marriage Preparation Course Session 3: Managing Conflicts

Ah yes, the 'C' word. Conflicts. Don't we all have it? Whether it is conflict with others; families, friends, partners or even conflicts with thy own self. It is inevitable. God didn't make us all different and unique and sans conflicts. Conflicts will always be there when you put two people in a relationship context. Any relationship for that matters.

When Oliver and I did this session, it made us realize the differences that we have between us and it doesn't have to be major, but minor things like our spending/saving habits, the way we plan/organize things, and of course the way we deal with conflicts. Oliver is a Rhino, a quiet one though, if there is anything that upsets him, he will talk about it while I am a hedgehog, I'll curl up in a ball and unleash the infamous 'silent treatment'.

But then again, it's not that bad between us, in fact over the years, we've improved on this, as in how to manage conflicts, when there is one. :) We've learnt to air it out, learn to compromise and the most difficult but important of all, learn to forgive. This session gave us a few additional pointers on how to deal with conflicts as a  partner;

1. To hit a pause button- I think this is when two people are arguing in a circumstances that only makes it worse. Like Oli knows that I get easily upset when I'm hungry or sleepy so he either has to make sure that he feeds me or that I get a good amount of sleep before any confrontation. And I know that Oli gets temperamental when he is driving. So, car is a no-argument zone.

2. To avoid phrases like 'you always' or 'you never'-Oliver and I both admitted that there might be instances when we were guilty of this. But yes, we are working on it. Rather than saying e.g. 'You never write to me anymore', say 'I missed those times when you used to write to me'. Just an example. :)

3. To listen more without passing judgement.-When two people are in conflict, they usually develop what I call the selective hearing of facts or they pass judgement without establishing any grounds yet. In cases like this, I think I'm more guilty, being the more impulsive better half and more emotional. So, while I learn to listen more and not judge straight away, Oli agreed to be more sensitive.

4. Talk, talk, talk- Communication is the most important aspect in a relationship. I can't imagine a relationship without communication, hence it was the 1st session in this course. Good thing is Oliver and I talk a lot. Of course, I talk more. But we talk. We talk to keep updates of each other, we talk about politics, about people, about us, about the future. We talk our way through arguments and talk again afterwards. Of course, at times, we keep certain matters to ourself, but given time and some bits of pushing, we talk about it. 

So yes, Conflicts. As much as we hate to have it, when we do come out of it, it does make us all the more wiser and stronger in person and as a couple.  As the saying goes, 'what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.'

Anyways, a 2nd sneak peek from our pre-wedding shoot.




@ The Garden, Curve


"Love is patient, love is kind, it is not jealous, love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly, it does not seek its own, it does not provoke, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth, bears all things, believe all things, hope all things, endure all things."
1 Corinthians 13

 

Read Marriage Preparation Course Session 2: Commitment here.

Marriage Preparation Course Session 2: Commitment

Earlier, we had a discussion on commitment. It is part of the Marriage Preparation Course that Oli and I had to take prior to making that big leap of faith called 'Marriage'.

Why do we do this course? Well, being Christian, it is recommended. Getting marry is a big thing. It's a union between two people. It's a new phase to embark on. And as common as it is, it is also totally an unfamiliar phase, especially for newly wed. As mentioned in the video, people take diving courses in order to dive or driving lessons in order to drive, then why not take courses to prepare us for marriage. Nowadays, it is so common for marriage to breakdown and end in a bitter divorce and this is attributed by many things such as infidelities, irreconcilable differences etc. So it is important for Oli and I to take this course to prepare us and also help us develop a strong foundation for a lasting marriage.

We did Session 1, which was on Communication. In brief, it's about communicating effectively considering factors that might affect the way we communicate i.e.our personalities, our family background and our circumstances and also taking into account possible barriers to effective communication.

For Session 2 on Commitment, we discussed about why Marriage. Whether it is for friendship or to build a family life, marriage is a covenant and not a contract, As opposed to contract which bonds two parties with signatories to agree on terms and conditions, covenant marriage is bond on a promise to each other, a promise to God to love and be committed to each other for as long as both shall live. It is for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health. It is unconditional. We also discussed about how important it is to plan time together on a daily,weekly and annual basis and also to set some time apart doing or pursuing our own interest.

It's funny how even before Oliver and I got together 7 years ago, as friends, we actually discussed about love and commitment and we both agreed that love is not all that. In reality, yes, two people fall in love and get into relationship. But overtime, the love they once had may not be the same. Couples do fall out of love. They get irritated with one another. They'll hate each other's gut. They may even start to wonder, 'Why did I marry him./her in the first place?" This thing happens. That's when commitment comes into the picture. Recall 'For better, for worse.' What ties a married couple long after the initial 'love' is gone is commitment. When two people are committed in their marriage, they'll make effort to do whatever it takes. Even to rekindle their love and it is possible.

It's all about commitment and the rest will follow.