stronger and sweeter

Yesterday, it dawned on me that my little baby, well, not so little anymore, is turning one in a month time. As I looked at him, sleeping soundly in his stroller i realized how much he has grown since I birthed him. Struck by this realization of the inevitability, I couldn't help but cry while sitting across Oliver in a busy cafe. 

I know I have written some struggles I faced being a new mom, dealing with Zachary's eczema and just day to day challenges. But in all earnestly, I love being a mum. To me, motherhood is a great gift. I have grown so much being a momma to Zachary. Everyday, I learn a little bit more about Zachary, a little bit more about myself as well as our relationship in retrospect. 

I recall one particular night during the earliest days when we had Zachary, Oli and I were up pretty late that night. I must have just put Zachary to sleep. We were sharing a bowl of instant noodle, just catching up on things but, mostly to talk about Zachary. Back then, parenthood was still surreal to us. I remember Oli mentioned something along the line of "I don't know why some people have problems in their marriage after having kids. I mean, there are so much interesting things to talk about." I agreed without thinking further. Fast forward, I could see how having a child or children could put a strain to any relationship. It is a combination of stress, divided attention, unmet expectations and sometimes selfishness that could often result in disappointments and arguments. Oli and I have a fair share of that. 

You see, I am the type of person who bottles up everything inside. I don't necessarily say what I feel when I am frustrated or upset over something. However, my action speaks louder. Loud enough that Oli could feel that something was wrong. The problem is more often he does not know what he did or rather did not do. So there i was, angry; I mopped, I scowled, I clinked-clanked the dishes louder than usual, I huffed and I puffed. You get the picture. He, on the other hand, once realised my changed demeanour, left puzzled trying to figure out what he did wrong. It got to a point where our relationship became bitter because I was upset and he was upset because I was upset. It was unhealthy to our marriage. I think the turning point was when we started to actually communicate. I told him "I feel like I had to do everything in this house." to which he told me " I feel like you don't appreciate the things I do." and so, we just started talking from there on, our frustrations and unmet expectations. 

In a way, things have improved. Of course, there will still be days we will be upset with the other but we learn from the past, we focus of the things that matters, we forgive and we move forward. 

'Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you had a grievance against someone. Forgive as The Lord forgave you'. Colossians 3:13 

Times as such, reminds us how much we need God's grace in our marriage and our life in general. When it is so easy and possible to just say Enough and walk out of the door, God's grace pulls us together to forgive and to love. To remind us the covenant we made in our marriage before Him. 

'And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast'. 1 Peter 5:10 

So while we celebrate the tears and joy seeing our little baby grow up before our very own eyes into the sweet boy he is becoming, we also celebrate the bad times and good times that made our marriage stronger and our love sweeter.

Photo from Jess Renee Photography

First proper family picture

Last weekend, we took opportunity of the fairly good weather to take some 'Fall' pictures before the season ends. The woods was just 15 minutes stroll from home. Here are some of my favourite shots from that day.

Looking at these pictures make me so happy. I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful son. What more can I ask for? 

2 years and counting

it was our second anniversary yesterday. we were supposed to pick up the car we just purchased yesterday and head for a celebratory dinner but due to some issue on the car insurance that needed rectification, we can only (hopefully) pick it up today. and i've never actually mentioned this but I am currently on a modified bed rest due to placenta previa. It is when the placenta lies low on the uterus that risks me bleeding prematurely before labor. So, I am supposed to take it really easy, to not carry anything heavy or do heavy chores and to limit my walking miles to 10 minutes per day which i practically break each day. it's pretty hard for me to just keep still because a part of me am aware that i need to do this for the baby but another part of me am on nesting mode and i just need to do something i.e. prepare the nursery, clearing up some space, cleaning etc. and i am getting fed up of reading all the news on CNN and BBC. Just too many bad things happening. what is happening in our world man? makes me think on how do i raise a kid and ensure their well being in amidst of all the negativities and bad influences around. In times like this, I am comforted to know that God will give us the wisdom and guidance to be good parents. oh, notice how i started this post wanting to talk about our second anniversary but inevitably talk about parenthood. geez. but yes, second year around had been good. i noticed though we fought less. perhaps we are more sensitive towards each other and more tolerant. maybe we've learnt what ticks the other person and hence not annoy each other that much. maybe because a good half of the time since our first year anniversary I am pregnant so Oli has been really good and patient. you know, maybe. i still wake up each day and thank God that I am married to this man beside me. Someone posted an article about choosing the right man you want to marry on facebook recently and the article listed a few criterias i.e. Godly man (not just someone who is a Christian but who is also spiritually involved and committed) etc. i only remember this but anyways, I remember Oli checked all the criterias in the list and that made me glad. it's exciting to know that after this, our lives will change as we welcome Baby Tse. That would totally create a new adventure for both of us and I am already wondering how I or we would reflect on it on our third anniversary. it will be pretty interesting. do i think wistfully about how this is it, just the two of us before there will be three. yes, i am sure we will miss the 'just the two of us' time but i think (i hope), we're ready. This is a part of life. God has graciously give us this wonderful gift and it's for us to accept and enjoy it as He wills. 

Baby Tse, please go easy on us. :D

AUG 13, 2011. THE DAY WE BECOME ONE. 

on being thankful

More often than not, it is easier to pinpoint the things we're lacked off and start worrying about them than being grateful for the things we have. With this pregnancy, you could say my worry-o-meter is just spinning out of control most of the time, if not all the time. I don't know if this is common for all mothers to be,  to be worried all the time. I worry about the baby's health and progress, I worry if I'm not taking good enough care of myself that will affect the baby and I worry about Oli's well being (he is great, by the way). Then, there are financial matters. There are a lot of baby preps to do and stuffs to get i.e. car, bassinet, new baby wardrobe, clothes, diapers, strollers, baby car seats etc. and more. And all these cost us a lot of money. And well, I am frustrated because I just wish I could contribute something just to help minimize some of the financial load. So yeah, this had been one of my bigger concerns. I thought, I should have save more even prior to pregnancy, not spent on things like new clothes or new pair of shoes that I really didn't need. Maybe we should have not travelled as much as we do, heck, maybe babymoon was not a good idea and just a lot of maybes. But the more I think about it, I  guess, along the way I just stopped and told myself, hey, what's done is done and you know what, I should really focus on being thankful. So, to not drown myself in worryville, I start counting my blessings, no matter how simple or small it is, because in the end, they really do matter.

Oli for one. Every morning, I just thank God for blessing me with an amazing husband, who provides so much for our growing family. The way he already loves and cares for the baby in me by giving a lot of thoughts into a lot of things and just wanting the best for Baby Tse.  And again, for putting up with me because well, pregnancy hasn't been easy on me and he did it with so much love and care that at the end of it, I felt a mixture of guilt (for being helplessly demanding) but at the same time, I kinda enjoy it. Like the babymoon, for instance. Even though it wasn't really necessary considering that we could have save and all, we actually did have a really great time. I think it was one of the best vacations we had and in a way, we both needed it. I was at the point of pregnancy where I felt good, no more morning sickness, rashes gone and not too big yet. Oli got a break from work. We got a break from Germany's crazy spring weather. It rained all the time in Kaiserslautern. And so we went to Conil de la Frontera (I like how it rolled in my tongue) in Spain. It was a packaged tour that included return train ride to and fro Frankfurt, return flight, hotel transfer, and 5 days 4 night hotel accommodation with breakfast and dinner. The hotel was situated on top of a cliff overlooking the Pacific Ocean. The beach was just few meters away. Everyday day, we slept in, woke up and got ready, went down to the hotel cafe to enjoy awesome spread of buffet breakfast, walked along the beach, visited the nearest town about 3 km walk, swam in the pool, enjoyed the jacuzzi, sunbathed under palm leaves canopy or by the beach, had awesome dinner (we ate a lot and i mean (a lot) of fresh seafood- fish especially), and after dinner, just in time to watch the sun set at about 9-ish pm. After that we'll be lounging at the lobby, Oli with his espresso, me, with my mocktail and enjoyed fast internet connection. Haha, we're Asian like that, we need our wifi connection.

Just a couple of pictures.

Cooling ourselves with ice chocolate and ice coffee

sandy beach + blue sky + not so many people= My kinda beach

This was after our afternoon swim at the pool and we were so hungry. So we headed down to the sunset bar.

Sun was just about to set. 

The beautiful color.

Oli back from his swim. He said the wave defeated him.

Just sun basking. And say hello to 24 week baby bump!

It was a worthwhile, sort-of last trip just the two of us before we welcome Baby Tse. Although, I can't wait to travel with our little one and show him the world.

Another thing I'm thankful for is our families. Especially our parents. God knows how much they have blessed us just with their support and love even virtually across the ocean. Just knowing that they are there is comforting. If i can choose, I'd like to be close to my mum. I don't know, maybe it is just this thing about becoming a mother and being new at it, there are so many questions and things I want to ask her. Of course, she's only a phone call away. Okay, I admit, perhaps, I don't mind being spoilt by her. I am after all, their little girl. :D

But what we're lacking off, we are blessed with awesome friends here in Kaiserslautern who are like our second families away from home. I'm just glad and thankful to know these bunch of people from our church and friends of friends who because friends of ours. 

Ladies who threw me baby shower

Shana who has been a great spiritual sister and friend.

Tim and Andreea who we had the pleasure to travel with a couple of times.

Livengoods and Masons. oh, we miss the Masons because they just moved back to the States a few weeks ago. :(

All I can say is God is good. He has blessed and surrounded me with wonderful people. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

Our Valentine with Sophia

So this year on Valentine's Day, we offered to babysit our friend's toddler, Sophia, while they went out for their Valentine dinner. We were more than glad because Sophia is such a charm and you we just can't resist. She was really easy and fun to babysit except when we tried to put her into bed. So while the parents were out, we had our dinner prepared by our friends before they left, watched a bit of Sound of Music (because Oli never watched this classic), woke Sophia up, played with her, fed her dinner, and continued playing with her. When it was time for her to go to bed, that was when we faced quite a hurdle. After trying for a while, we decided to just continue playing with her and feeding her with cheerios until the parents came back. That kid definitely brings joy to our heart and perhaps ignite a bit of maternal/paternal instinct in us. 

Just woke up dazed look.

Are you ready to play? 

Had to take one of us with Sophia. So we could remind her of us when she grows up.  

That look that can melt our hearts.

I was sick that time, hence the shitty look. :(

Boo, Happy Valentine Sophia!

The Vow

"To have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part"

I am reminded of the day we said this vow and how you've seen me in my worse or possibly worst state, how you care for me when I am terribly sick and how you were patient with me when I did something that annoys the hell out of you. And yet, through it all, you prove your unfailing love for me. 

I made the right decision when I said, " I do."

An evening at Christmas Market

I've been looking forward to Christmas Market for many reasons. So when I found out the first day of Christmas market was going to be on the 26th this month in our town, I got Oli to pinky-promised me that we'll go come rain or snow or blizzard. Okay, so we might not have gone if there was blizzard. But bless the weather for being a little kind for just drizzling and even so, we didn't even notice. 

Maybe it's the 'Christmas is around the corner' mood that seems to linger around the air.

Maybe it's the Christmas lights, Christmas miniatures and people seemed to hang around in town way after 8pm (usually, the town pretty much sleeps at this time)

The smell of coated roasted nuts. It's addictive.

Glühwein. To be indulged without guilt only this time of the season.

Did I mention the town is so pretty this time of the year?

We are reminded the true meaning of Christmas. The birth of only the most awesome man of all time.

Just being there with loved ones.

Where people are usually in a jolly good mood and they will smile for the camera. :)

Where you discover something new but surprisingly good. I love that kind of discovery. The one that takes you by surprise in a good way.

Friends. Someone you share those moments of joy.

An opportunity to take pictures and post it up on Facebook, instagram and blog.

Recap where I wrote about the joyous discovery. This was another one of those but the one that brought us to tears and made us wish we didn't have it there and then. At least, now we know.

I love....

Crepes! Banana Nutella and Salted Butter Caramel, my favs.

Glühwein (Hot spiced red wine) and Hot Chocolate.

And again, the company.

It's all these and more. To many more Christmas markets in days to come.

Surprise, surprise...

When Oli was back in M'sia for Christmas and New Year holiday, he left his key with Drew, a good friend. Now, trust Drew with the house key and he'll come up with these, with the help from a bunch of friends.

The sneaky genius who came up with the idea to wrap our furnitures in aluminium foil was Shana. I was already planning to arrive home, drop the luggages aside and dive in to bed and sleep. But no, we spent the next half an hour unwrapping the aluminium foiled furnitures and our gift! which was a coffee machine that makes excellent coffee... oh, the heart shaped coffee bean was a nice touch! and so were the colourful banners hanging in our living room, kitchen, bedroom and bathroom. It was a nice surprise and the colourful banners are staying for awhile. 

It's comforting to know that despite being in a foreign place, there are wonderful friends around.