Precious

Hello. Yes, this little space is still alive. Although, it has been in hibernation mode for quite a long time. Things around here are good. Oli is currently on a study break in UK. He has been there for over a week but  he will be back in a few days. Yay! Can't wait. I miss him. Well, we miss him. Zachary and I have been keeping ourselves occupied with playdates and just a lot of time spent at the park and town. Speaking of Zachary, he is 18 months now. Another half a year to turning two. There is so much I want to say about all the amazing things that he does and can do but at the same time, i don't want to sound boastful. I am just so grateful that he is healthy and thriving. Anyways, i wanted to write because I want to remember one precious moment. You see, today has not been all peachy. A lot of whining on Zachary's part and a lot of shouting on my part. Maybe it was because we missed daddy and we took it out on each other. Maybe. And so I felt guilty just for being upset a lot. But earlier, when I put him to bed, I nursed him for a little while and then I told him, 'Okay, that's enough. You have to sleep on your own now.' He whined a little and then he just laid on the bed and we were laying side by side, facing each other in the eye. I wished I knew what he was thinking then. We played  a game where we pointed out eyes, mouth, ear and nose. We whispered our prayers and good night. He held my hand. By then, his eyes were already slowly closing and within a few seconds he was off to dreamland. And just like that, I was overcame with so much love and gratitude for this little human being. How lucky I am to be his mother. Truly, as exhausting motherhood can be, it is also the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Pictures from Jess Renee Photography.

stronger and sweeter

Yesterday, it dawned on me that my little baby, well, not so little anymore, is turning one in a month time. As I looked at him, sleeping soundly in his stroller i realized how much he has grown since I birthed him. Struck by this realization of the inevitability, I couldn't help but cry while sitting across Oliver in a busy cafe. 

I know I have written some struggles I faced being a new mom, dealing with Zachary's eczema and just day to day challenges. But in all earnestly, I love being a mum. To me, motherhood is a great gift. I have grown so much being a momma to Zachary. Everyday, I learn a little bit more about Zachary, a little bit more about myself as well as our relationship in retrospect. 

I recall one particular night during the earliest days when we had Zachary, Oli and I were up pretty late that night. I must have just put Zachary to sleep. We were sharing a bowl of instant noodle, just catching up on things but, mostly to talk about Zachary. Back then, parenthood was still surreal to us. I remember Oli mentioned something along the line of "I don't know why some people have problems in their marriage after having kids. I mean, there are so much interesting things to talk about." I agreed without thinking further. Fast forward, I could see how having a child or children could put a strain to any relationship. It is a combination of stress, divided attention, unmet expectations and sometimes selfishness that could often result in disappointments and arguments. Oli and I have a fair share of that. 

You see, I am the type of person who bottles up everything inside. I don't necessarily say what I feel when I am frustrated or upset over something. However, my action speaks louder. Loud enough that Oli could feel that something was wrong. The problem is more often he does not know what he did or rather did not do. So there i was, angry; I mopped, I scowled, I clinked-clanked the dishes louder than usual, I huffed and I puffed. You get the picture. He, on the other hand, once realised my changed demeanour, left puzzled trying to figure out what he did wrong. It got to a point where our relationship became bitter because I was upset and he was upset because I was upset. It was unhealthy to our marriage. I think the turning point was when we started to actually communicate. I told him "I feel like I had to do everything in this house." to which he told me " I feel like you don't appreciate the things I do." and so, we just started talking from there on, our frustrations and unmet expectations. 

In a way, things have improved. Of course, there will still be days we will be upset with the other but we learn from the past, we focus of the things that matters, we forgive and we move forward. 

'Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you had a grievance against someone. Forgive as The Lord forgave you'. Colossians 3:13 

Times as such, reminds us how much we need God's grace in our marriage and our life in general. When it is so easy and possible to just say Enough and walk out of the door, God's grace pulls us together to forgive and to love. To remind us the covenant we made in our marriage before Him. 

'And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast'. 1 Peter 5:10 

So while we celebrate the tears and joy seeing our little baby grow up before our very own eyes into the sweet boy he is becoming, we also celebrate the bad times and good times that made our marriage stronger and our love sweeter.

Photo from Jess Renee Photography

i know, now.

i have been meaning to write an honest post about my role as a mum and more so as a stay at home mum. as much as i feel the joy of being a mother everyday since I had Zachary, i admit i do struggle. every single day. i had this idea of the kind of parent i wanted to be. I might have told myself I would never ever want to lose myself. i want to be able to take care of my child but also take care of myself and i mean to look at least decent because i am after all also a wife and I want to still look attractive to my husband. i want to be the kind of mum who goes about her day doing chores, taking care of the kid, cooks awesome dinner and welcomes the husband home with an open arm looking all sweet. I want to be able to keep my house clean and tidy. I want to go out, run errands and look put together. I want to feed my kid healthy food; vegetables, fruits, home made, organic you name it. I don't want to use gadgets and TVs to pacify my kid in order to get him to do something. I want to still be able to spend sweet time with my husband everyday. I want to do a lot of things. but i don't know how. 

which is why the house is currently in a total mess, dirty laundry is piling up, clean laundry is also piling up on the sofa in the living room, toys are scattered, clean dishes have yet to be put away while dirty dishes are slowly piling up in the sink and all the trash bins (we have three kinds of trash bins to separate plastic, paper and other wastes) are full. of course, there are days when all these are put to order only to return to its messy glory within the next 48 hours or so. when my husband comes home, most of the time i'll be with Zachary. if i'm not still in my pyjamas, i'll probably be wearing a three day old t-shirt stained with milk, food and what not. i know gross. my initial success of feeding Zachary organic cereals, pureed vegetables and fruits went down hill when he suddenly rejected any kind of purees. we thought it was time to try baby led weaning. somehow, he just doesn't fancy most fruits and vegetables except for the occasional bananas and carrots. he loves his bread and cheerios though. but that's the problem. it is just NOT healthy. and guess what, i have been putting on Baby Einstein and Mother Goose Club videos on youtube when he eats because it is just easier. for me. i also put it on when i change his clothes or diapers. otherwise, he fusses or cries. so yes. i am now one of the parents who use gadgets to pacify their kids. i can almost see the organisation who wrote the article about how parents should not expose their kids under the age 2 to medias shaking their heads. as for husband and me time. please. i rather snooze because i will be waking up several times throughout the night to nurse Zachary. yes, he still does not sleep through the night.

again. i don't know how. i tried. some days, it felt like i failed as a mum and wife. those kinda days, maybe i need to hear "you are doing your best momma" or a simple "i love you just because....". or maybe, all i need is to be reminded that this 'suffering' is necessary to remind me that I need to rely on God's strength and mercy which i often overlooked.

'we are pressed on every side by troubles. but we are not crushed. we are perplexed, but not driven to despair. we are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. we get knocked down but we are not destroyed. through suffering, our bodies continue  to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.' 2 Corinthians 4: 8-10.

'so the Lord must wait for you to come to him, so he can show you his love and compassion. for the Lord is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for his help.' Isaiah 30:18

i want to be a better mum to Zachary. I want to a better wife to my husband. But most of all, I want NEED God more than ever. His Words are important to me. especially now when it is so easy to give up and despair. tomorrow His mercy and grace is new and i will draw strength from him to serve my household better. now, i'm just gonna clean up the dishes in the sink and go peek on my son who is sleeping. i hug my husband too if he is here but he is currently in Munich for work and will come back tomorrow evening. now, let's hope i put on a clean shirt when he comes back. 

I've got the joy, joy, joy!

if there is one word to describe how i feel right now is joy. Joy of motherhood is a beautiful thing and one that I am so blessed and so privileged to experience. it has been almost two months since we met Zachary Adam Tse for the first time. That beautiful first cry that signified the beginning of parenthood. Already, I feel time seems to breeze by so fast and before we know it, he will be 18 and off to college. 

Time, slow down please. 

It's pretty interesting, this parenthood thing. I'm not going to lie. As enjoyable and fulfilling being a parent, it is also pretty challenging. Tough, I say. From the first few days of recovering from a major abdominal surgery and breastfeeding problems to tearful and sleepless nights. It gets better though. Everyday, I learn something new. From learning how to differentiate 'cries', whether he is hungry, gassy, sleepy or just plain ol' cranky, changing his diaper in the most efficient way without wasting too many wet wipes and getting peed and pooped on (that totally happened) and coming up with all sorts of ways to soothe him among other things. 

I am still trying to juggle my time with being a wife, a mum and just being me. One of the most common advice I hear about being a new mum is when the baby sleeps, the mum sleeps. So when I don't have my hands full with the baby, I try to catch up on other things like preparing meals, cleaning, catching up on social medias (pfft, not that it is important) and of course, my sleep. Which is why i find myself typing this out wee hours in the morning when both 'my babies' are asleep.

All that aside, I love being a mum. Life is so much more fulfilling. When I look at Zachary, I feel proud that I am his mum. It is so amazing to watch him grow each day. Just today, he reached another milestone. During his tummy time, he managed to roll over to his back without help and things like these seriously make my day. 

I must say though that being a parent would be half the fun without Oli. I tell you, I love this guy so much. He is such a rock to my world. I knew before then when I was pregnant that he was going to be a great dad and a great dad he is. He was there with me in the operating room when I had to deliver Zachary via scheduled c-section, he stayed almost a week at the hospital helping me care for Zachary while I was recovering, he stayed up with me during those early sleepless nights and so many other things and for all that, I am so thankful. 

I wish i could write more but I need to get me some sleep before Zachary wakes up to feed. For now, I'll just leave you with some pictures of our precious Zachary.

Zachary 1 day old.

5 days old.

Two weeks old.

Tell me he is one handsome fella. 

you have no idea how much i love you.