Marriage Preparation Course Session 5: Shared goals and values

While I spent Christmas and New Year with Oliver in Germany, we took the opportunity to do the fifth and last session in our Marriage Preparation Course Manual on Shared Goals and Values. Contrary to the relationship cliché that opposites attracts, we believe it is vital for two people in a relationship to share values and goals and these could be ranging from mundane matters like who cooks, who throws the rubbish, who organizes the social calendar to who pays the bills, who predominantly decides how money is spent etc. Some matters are quite straight forward like of course I’ll cook or clean, you know domestic stuffs, and Oliver would probably be the Mr. Fix-It, fix the computer, fix the light, fix the pipes etc. but it’s quite a challenge given today’s society because although historically, women were more domestic and thus more stay at home mum, today we see more women joining the work force, contributing double income to the family, sometimes more than the partner, sometimes, the role is 360 degrees in reverse whereby the woman works and the man stays at home and be domestic.

And this evolution does not only shape their new found or rather evolved roles in society, but also their emotional and physical being. With their evolved roles, women felt that it is fair enough to get upset when men do not contribute domestically. And men being men (and in fact, I’m not sure how much they have evolved) well, they will find this outburst unexplainable and unacceptable. So, at the end of the day, unless men and women find a balance or better, share an understanding of their respective goals and values to complement each other the best they could, they will be struggling. So, how do two people share goals and values in pursuit of a good marriage, well, start by going to a Marriage Preparation Course. Like seriously. I doubt Oliver and I, if we have not embarked on this marriage course in the first place, we wouldn’t be sharing our goals and values, properly. I think we would just jump into the marriage wagon and think ‘oh well, we’ll pick up pointers here and there. But I believe, it is always good to have a strong foundation and whatever lessons to learn and relearn would be a bonus.

Some key points to share;

Matching our strides – do you remember learning in science where you put two objects together, one is hotter than the other, and over time, the transmissions between molecules from both objects balances the heat between two objects. Well, I might not get the scientific terms right but apply this theory in a relationship. Two individuals, different characters, in order to co-exist harmoniously, they have to find an equilibrium. It might involve changing our behaviour, letting go of unrealistic expectations and making sacrifices. But the most important thing that comes after that is appreciation. To appreciate each other. For who they are. For the sacrifice they made. For the effort. Someone asked me, is it worth it to sacrifice and let go of something to be with someone. Well, depends on how you look at it. Sacrifice is subjective. If sacrifice is warranted for the desired output, so be it.

Working out our values and creating an equal partnership- coming into this course, I have my own set of values and Oliver has his, but in order to create an equal partnership, a marriage, we have to work out values that we both can incorporate into our future marriage and prioritize it. Values could be spirituality and relationship with God, hospitality, nurturing children etc. We also discussed about our roles and responsibilities as future man and wife. There was an interesting anecdote to describe the role of man and woman. A kid was asking his dad the difference between the role of a mother and a father. The dad said to him ‘Well, your mum is the Minister of Internal Affairs and I am the Minister of External Affairs.’ Point is, discuss and be accountable for the agreed roles and responsibilities.

And of course, above all things, to put God in the center of our lives. When all things fail, pray to God and when all things well, give thanks to God. And for this, we are grateful that Oliver and I had decided to take this Marriage Preparation Course in the first place. Given the circumstances, we didn’t think it was possible, but of course, with God, He made it possible and some of our defining moments were fruits of this course.

So Thank You Lord for Everything – From us.

8 months to go.