Wednesday, June 18, 2014

i know, now.

i have been meaning to write an honest post about my role as a mum and more so as a stay at home mum. as much as i feel the joy of being a mother everyday since I had Zachary, i admit i do struggle. every single day. i had this idea of the kind of parent i wanted to be. I might have told myself I would never ever want to lose myself. i want to be able to take care of my child but also take care of myself and i mean to look at least decent because i am after all also a wife and I want to still look attractive to my husband. i want to be the kind of mum who goes about her day doing chores, taking care of the kid, cooks awesome dinner and welcomes the husband home with an open arm looking all sweet. I want to be able to keep my house clean and tidy. I want to go out, run errands and look put together. I want to feed my kid healthy food; vegetables, fruits, home made, organic you name it. I don't want to use gadgets and TVs to pacify my kid in order to get him to do something. I want to still be able to spend sweet time with my husband everyday. I want to do a lot of things. but i don't know how. 

which is why the house is currently in a total mess, dirty laundry is piling up, clean laundry is also piling up on the sofa in the living room, toys are scattered, clean dishes have yet to be put away while dirty dishes are slowly piling up in the sink and all the trash bins (we have three kinds of trash bins to separate plastic, paper and other wastes) are full. of course, there are days when all these are put to order only to return to its messy glory within the next 48 hours or so. when my husband comes home, most of the time i'll be with Zachary. if i'm not still in my pyjamas, i'll probably be wearing a three day old t-shirt stained with milk, food and what not. i know gross. my initial success of feeding Zachary organic cereals, pureed vegetables and fruits went down hill when he suddenly rejected any kind of purees. we thought it was time to try baby led weaning. somehow, he just doesn't fancy most fruits and vegetables except for the occasional bananas and carrots. he loves his bread and cheerios though. but that's the problem. it is just NOT healthy. and guess what, i have been putting on Baby Einstein and Mother Goose Club videos on youtube when he eats because it is just easier. for me. i also put it on when i change his clothes or diapers. otherwise, he fusses or cries. so yes. i am now one of the parents who use gadgets to pacify their kids. i can almost see the organisation who wrote the article about how parents should not expose their kids under the age 2 to medias shaking their heads. as for husband and me time. please. i rather snooze because i will be waking up several times throughout the night to nurse Zachary. yes, he still does not sleep through the night.

again. i don't know how. i tried. some days, it felt like i failed as a mum and wife. those kinda days, maybe i need to hear "you are doing your best momma" or a simple "i love you just because....". or maybe, all i need is to be reminded that this 'suffering' is necessary to remind me that I need to rely on God's strength and mercy which i often overlooked.

'we are pressed on every side by troubles. but we are not crushed. we are perplexed, but not driven to despair. we are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. we get knocked down but we are not destroyed. through suffering, our bodies continue  to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.' 2 Corinthians 4: 8-10.

'so the Lord must wait for you to come to him, so he can show you his love and compassion. for the Lord is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for his help.' Isaiah 30:18

i want to be a better mum to Zachary. I want to a better wife to my husband. But most of all, I want NEED God more than ever. His Words are important to me. especially now when it is so easy to give up and despair. tomorrow His mercy and grace is new and i will draw strength from him to serve my household better. now, i'm just gonna clean up the dishes in the sink and go peek on my son who is sleeping. i hug my husband too if he is here but he is currently in Munich for work and will come back tomorrow evening. now, let's hope i put on a clean shirt when he comes back. 

Sunday, March 16, 2014


Time, time, time. How it flies! And just like that. I realized the last post I've written was in January. Where have we been all these times. Sometimes I feel like I am losing my sense of days. You know how you wake up and you don't know what day of the week it is. During my working days, dates are so important because we have deadlines after deadlines. But now, you give me a fill in form and when it comes to write down what date it is, my mind stalls before scrambling for my hand phone to check. Is that bad? Is it?

Anyways, it's been a week without Oli who is currently in Sri Lanka for work and he will be there for another week before coming back next Saturday. I was kinda dreading this 2 weeks without him but so far, I think I am doing okay with Zachary. It does make me think about how challenging it must be for single mums or even mums whose husbands are away for work or deployment to take care of a child or children. I salute them and being a mum is no easy job I kid you not. Well, Oli did ask us to come along for this trip but I figured it was just too much for Zachary because we just came back from Malaysia and fortunately he recovered from jet lagged after a week or so. Then my mum and brother were here and we did a bit of traveling here and there. And then we went to London for a breezy 3 days 2 nights for a friend's farewell and I decided that's it. No more plane travel for awhile. I mean I love traveling and although Zachary is a pretty good traveler it was a bit stressful and tiring. 

Speaking of traveling with Zachary, man, this boy has probably accrued enough miles to earn him a world traveler at least in the making. I must say, traveling to Malaysia, I have braced myself for the worst thing to happen on our 13 hours flight journey. Poop explosions, air pressure, melt downs and i mean, major melt downs. I even tried practicing my I'm-sorry-you-have-to-bear-with-this-smile just in case I need to use it. Thankfully, Zachary did pretty well in both his long haul trips. He slept a huge portion of the journey, woke up to nurse several times which I didn't mind, had his bits of playtime, changed his diapers which took a bit of skill when you had to do it in the tight spaced lavatory and yeah, that was it. He didn't really have problems with his ears due to air and cabin pressure because I nursed him both when the plane took off and when it was descending. And after surviving those long haul flights, I felt like any short haul flights were nothing although i do still get anxiety when traveling with a baby. 

Oh and also this recent news about the missing Malaysia Airlines air craft MH370 that carries more than 200 passengers and crew is just troubling what with the recent claim that it might be hijacked although that has yet to be confirmed until they find the transponder or black box to know what really happened or what is happening.  This really hits close to home because I used to work for Malaysia Airlines and it's my home country we are talking about. My heart breaks for the families and friends of those on board the missing aircraft. But what breaks my heart even more is the unknown fate of the passengers and crews and knowing that there are infants on boards, I can't begin to imagine. And I know I share the hopes of so many people that this aircraft be found and that everyone will be saved. We can only pray and let God be in control of this situation. Meanwhile, I pray for hope, strength and comfort for the loved ones who have to wait every single day for news of their loved ones on board. 

Friday, January 17, 2014


First post in 2014! And yes, this space is still alive. I write less now because simply, my hands are full, being a mum 24/7 to Zachary. Speaking of little one, he is just over 4 months old and I am ever so in love with him. I even googled about mum's love for her son to know if it is possible or common to be so in love with a little being who exhaust you to the max day in day out. Anyway, lil one is currently snoring away beside me, and yes, he snores! He must have got it for me because Oli doesn't snore. We are back home in Malaysia since December 18 although Oli flew back last week because he has classes to teach and he missed two weeks of classes already. We will only be flying back on Feb 4 so that is 3 weeks without Oli. So far, we're doing fine without Oli although we missed him a lot. That is given. I am not sure if Zachary realizes that his dad is not around. We do skype every night so at least Zachary has daily face time with his pop. I am reminded of those times when Oli and I were still in a long distance relationship. Separated for months only to see each other two weeks or at most a month during his summer break or Christmas. It's been nice spending some time with the family and seeing Zachary bonds with both side of our family. And I've been enjoying some good food that i missed while I was in Germany and at the same time, hitting the home gym to compensate all the eating!

Oh, on another note, Zachary just hit another milestone. Over last weekend, he learnt to roll from his back to his tummy and ever since then, he has been doing it every day, even in his sleep. You know what, I wished I could have written a monthly update on how he is doing, his development and milestone. A lot of people told me he looks bigger and older than his age. Instead of 4 month, he looks like a 6 month old. It must be the hair. :) In terms of milestones, he has been achieving his milestone one month ahead of what was the normal average month based on And yes, I am that proud mum who might bragged a bit of her kid and I am aware of it and I shall stop now. :). In general, Zachary is quite a smily and chatty lil one. He loves it when we recite the ABC to him. He loves to listen to music and his favorite songs are Amazing Grace and Jesus Loves Me. He is drawn to people talking and especially when Oli and I talking. Like when we talk, I caught him several times just staring at us with a slight of wonder on his face, a tip of smile on his lips, listening to our conversation with interest. That boy caught my heart.

Anyway, he looks like he is about to wake up. Or not. I am just gonna lay down beside him, smell his hair, listen to him breathing and just savor the moment because he is growing up way too fast.