i know, now.

i have been meaning to write an honest post about my role as a mum and more so as a stay at home mum. as much as i feel the joy of being a mother everyday since I had Zachary, i admit i do struggle. every single day. i had this idea of the kind of parent i wanted to be. I might have told myself I would never ever want to lose myself. i want to be able to take care of my child but also take care of myself and i mean to look at least decent because i am after all also a wife and I want to still look attractive to my husband. i want to be the kind of mum who goes about her day doing chores, taking care of the kid, cooks awesome dinner and welcomes the husband home with an open arm looking all sweet. I want to be able to keep my house clean and tidy. I want to go out, run errands and look put together. I want to feed my kid healthy food; vegetables, fruits, home made, organic you name it. I don't want to use gadgets and TVs to pacify my kid in order to get him to do something. I want to still be able to spend sweet time with my husband everyday. I want to do a lot of things. but i don't know how. 

which is why the house is currently in a total mess, dirty laundry is piling up, clean laundry is also piling up on the sofa in the living room, toys are scattered, clean dishes have yet to be put away while dirty dishes are slowly piling up in the sink and all the trash bins (we have three kinds of trash bins to separate plastic, paper and other wastes) are full. of course, there are days when all these are put to order only to return to its messy glory within the next 48 hours or so. when my husband comes home, most of the time i'll be with Zachary. if i'm not still in my pyjamas, i'll probably be wearing a three day old t-shirt stained with milk, food and what not. i know gross. my initial success of feeding Zachary organic cereals, pureed vegetables and fruits went down hill when he suddenly rejected any kind of purees. we thought it was time to try baby led weaning. somehow, he just doesn't fancy most fruits and vegetables except for the occasional bananas and carrots. he loves his bread and cheerios though. but that's the problem. it is just NOT healthy. and guess what, i have been putting on Baby Einstein and Mother Goose Club videos on youtube when he eats because it is just easier. for me. i also put it on when i change his clothes or diapers. otherwise, he fusses or cries. so yes. i am now one of the parents who use gadgets to pacify their kids. i can almost see the organisation who wrote the article about how parents should not expose their kids under the age 2 to medias shaking their heads. as for husband and me time. please. i rather snooze because i will be waking up several times throughout the night to nurse Zachary. yes, he still does not sleep through the night.

again. i don't know how. i tried. some days, it felt like i failed as a mum and wife. those kinda days, maybe i need to hear "you are doing your best momma" or a simple "i love you just because....". or maybe, all i need is to be reminded that this 'suffering' is necessary to remind me that I need to rely on God's strength and mercy which i often overlooked.

'we are pressed on every side by troubles. but we are not crushed. we are perplexed, but not driven to despair. we are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. we get knocked down but we are not destroyed. through suffering, our bodies continue  to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.' 2 Corinthians 4: 8-10.

'so the Lord must wait for you to come to him, so he can show you his love and compassion. for the Lord is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for his help.' Isaiah 30:18

i want to be a better mum to Zachary. I want to a better wife to my husband. But most of all, I want NEED God more than ever. His Words are important to me. especially now when it is so easy to give up and despair. tomorrow His mercy and grace is new and i will draw strength from him to serve my household better. now, i'm just gonna clean up the dishes in the sink and go peek on my son who is sleeping. i hug my husband too if he is here but he is currently in Munich for work and will come back tomorrow evening. now, let's hope i put on a clean shirt when he comes back.